Dear Staff
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume
that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer
accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic
Offender” category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed
here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute
a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our
company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
posted by TARUN PATEL at 7:28 AM
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